Life Goes on!

Review of the last 25 years:

Since the passing of Lindy and the difficulty of overcoming such a devastating void, I had to finally look behind me and see what life actually brought to me.

My daughter Melissa was born five months after Lindy died, she did not come quickly nor was it a long and painful labor, just the hospital I happened to be at seemed to be more concerned with their own lives than they were with a young 22 year old in labor. So anesthesia was not a factor in Melissa's birth! They just did not believe me when I told them I was having her and that I could feel her head! No, they just kept talking about their home lives and everyone else around them. Low and behold by the time I convinced them to check me, AH HA, Melissa was almost born!

This sweet, beautiful, strawberry blond twin to her sister was born and gave me a reason for not going to the same grave as Lindy was in.

I was quite protective over her for many, many, many years. The last "many" is still going on, only now she is 25 and thinks she doesn't need mom anymore. As I did at 25 with my own mother. She will find out later that the need is mutual!
I watched her like a hawk would watch for prey, she was never too far out of my sight, and I couldn't wait to pick up her everyday from daycare. This weighed heavily on me for years, I could not stand to have her in daycare and yet we had to survive on two incomes. When she was five I quit my full time job and started a cleaning business so I could be with her before and after school and my husband and I continued this until she was old enough to stay by herself. She was never without one of us from then on. There were times my sister would keep her during the summer and I know she hated this but as all good moms know, they are not ready to be on their own until "We say they are".

My husband and I moved from the suburbs to the country when she was nine. The small town we were in was growing but it was not small enough for us. We wanted Melissa to have the kind of life we had growing up and so the "boredom" of country life began and here we still are. Once you get there you will never go back. Melissa grew up like any other in this generation. We had our times with school, boys, etc.. but nothing extreme. She left with "a love" interest at 19 and married ( while mom and dad kept trying to talk her out of it), yet when your "in Love" only love prevails. So, five years later she is back home, divorced with the world's best grand son & grand daughter now!

I can't say we are happy about it but life isn't over with yet. The marriage might not of been what we expect at 19 but you can never say the children are not worth it. My grand son and grand daughter are truly the apple's of my eye. I adore both of them, and Melissa is hard worker. The divorce has given her some life challenges herself that only she can overcome. I try to let her do this on her own. Mom's advice at this point in her life means nothing. We all have to find our own path and now she sees this. She has had to endure quite a lot of hardships in the last 2 years but I see a new person emerging and slowly, very slowly the person I have always believed she was is peeking through the door of maturity.

What I am getting at here is that Life goes on. If I had crawled in with my Lindy which was all I wanted to do at that time, I would not be here, now.

Melissa would not of been, my grandson and granddaughter would not of been. My Legacy is continuing with these wonderful people that I helped put on this earth, not in it.

You see, Melissa was also my miracle child. I did not know this at the time, but if I was not pregnant with her at that exact time in my life, she would not of been born!

When I found out I was pregnant I was 3 months along. I found out because I was having some abdominal pain and went to my family doctor. In checking me he felt "the bump" and after examining me confirmed that I was pregnant. Although into the next day after this confirmation visit the abdominal pain just worsened and I was admitted to the hospital the next day. The first hospital I was at could not figure out what was wrong and kept asking me to abort the baby and "maybe" that would take care of the pain. They thought I was having a tubal miscarriage. My family transferred me to another hospital and within an hour I had my appendix out! Pain gone! Baby saved because I refused to abort her. Now Lindy was still with us at this time and her grand mother was caring for her while we were enduring this. But six weeks later she was gone. And many years later when we could not conceive anymore, I found out my tubes were blocked from the appendicitis. I went through the procedures at the time to open them back up but nothing seemed to work. So we decided Melissa was it and she has blessed us with two more. How can I not love where my life is now.

Life is funny, sad, complicated and exhilarating. The door of life slams shut in front of our faces so many more times than it seems to be open. But continue to reach for the knob of life. Turn the door and see what is beyond. Don't stay behind that closed door because your life is not over with yet. Your legacy will continue and right now, today you may can not see it but it is there. Life has more surprises for you, more challenges yes, but also some fantastic rewards.

My life isn't over with yet. I'm just beginning another chapter and 25 years ago I could not see that there was any sense in even looking ahead. My ole my what I would of missed!

Stupid People!

The title says it all!

In helping other moms on other sites and talking to others I have came across what I call, well, Stupid People! This refers to the really absentminded words that can come out of someone's mouth without them even thinking about what they just said. Or, maybe they did and they are just that Stupid!

Let me give a word of advice to some very naive, self-absorbed, illiterate humans out there.

1. Losing a child "is not like losing your dog!"
2. Six months "is NOT enough time to get over it."

This is two of the most common sentenances that have came out of the mouths of Stupid people. * Refer to my other posts label under "stupid people". Just remember the old sayiing most moms had when we were young: if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all! This would be best. I am guessing these words come from other people who really just do not not know what to say. If you ask a "grieving mom" ( hint, they grieve a very long time) how is she, or if just in general conversation the subject of her child comes up, please, do not go into how long it took you to get over losing your dog or cat! Or make some smart ass remark of; wow, your not over that yet! What's wrong with you.

I really consider these to be from very self-absorbed people. Best word of advice, just walk away.

I've collected a few stories of other moms who have experienced the same infliction, feel free to read, comment or just shake your head in disbelief, I usually do.

I just don't understand people...this has to top anything that has ever been said to us. Last night we were out with a group of people that we have attending a program with. Anyway the subject of children came up and I lost it...long story short, this *&^%$!!! that was sitting next to my husband tried to expalin the story of Job in the bible and how he had lost 7 children, etc, etc. My husband and I just looked at each other and thought is he trying to make us feel better that we only lost one chid? We just didn't get it and we still don't. We have looked up some things regarding Job, but haven't found anything specific that would bring us any understanding as to what the hell this man's point was. Thanks for reading and I wish everyone peace and comfort, you are not alone...
Kaitlyn's Mommy
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You know, people do make really stupid comments. Happens to me a lot too... and I just have to realize that these people absolutely do NOT know what we as parents go thru.... unless they have walked in our shoes. It's the old saying "ignorance is bliss". I don't wish it on my worst enemy... it's not the kind of 'knowledge" I wish I had.As for Job, one of the messages we are to learn from Job (regardless of how many children he lost) is that he was HONEST in the way he felt toward God... and he asked many, many questions... even if he didn't get the answers he wanted... he asked. He maintained his relationship with God regardless of his circumstance. He didn't run around asking people of 'the world' for answers... he knew they did not have any (obvious by his two friends who blamed him for the tragedies of his family). He went to God, and God alone. Because guess what... people here don't have the answers. Only God does. And sometimes He reveals some of those answers to us, sometimes He doesn't. But HE is sovereign and HE is the only way to find peace... no one here can provide it."Job is an example of a man who endured patiently. From his experience we see how the Lord's plan finally ended in good, for He is full of tenderness and mercy". James 5:11
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The stupidest we've heard came from a friend my hubby had back in college. He called to give him his condolences and when found our son had been fighting mito for a while actually said "oh, so you knew he was going to die."Right now I refuse to have anything to do with one of my grandmothers. After losing my son she informed my mother that it was nothing in comparison to the loss of her husband. Personally, I believe all losses are very difficult to get over if you loved the person - it doesn't matter how their related to you or if they are just a friend. To compare losses is the most pathetic thing that I've heard people do.For us, the stupid comments after our son passed were not so bad since we'd already been hearing stupid comments through the 9 months our son was sick. We actually decided to not take them personally at this point and just compare how stupid each one was. It definitely helped us to handle the comments much better and we don't get as upset about them as we did during the time when our son was sick.
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Oh yea, did anyone else get the lovely nuns coming in and out of their room trying to get you to give your heart to the lord? I screamed at them "My child is dead and you want to talk god?" Oh how about the people who find out that you have a dead child and they try to say they understand cuz they have lost a mom, dad, brother, sister, dog or what ever. or "I had a miscaraige at 3 months. Unless you have had the PAIN of naming and putting your child in the ground it is not the same. Now before any one gets upset about the miscariage thing I am not saying that those dont rip your heart out too. I had 9 of them but it is still doesnt add up to burrying your child. I lost my child to still birth and I feel the pain of a lost child, but even I say this is easier than having one live for how ever long then pass. Maybe I am wrong, but it is how I feel
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I was told by my bfs step mom that my son was going to burn in hell for my sins 3 days after my sons funeral. Then when I got pg with our 2nd child his mother told me "I am not going to buy this baby anything until you produce a LIVE baby". And my ex never understood why I hated both of them.
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I've removed their names in respect, only you can remove the insenseativaty!

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH!

The Toys keep going off

The toys keep going off around here!

OK, I know, but no one else will believe me! But we have some of my grand children's toys in and around the house. One is a Dora doll outside in our garage, stuffed in a bag on the other end of our garage. Now, our garage is about a 40x40 shop/garage, so it isn't a small garage and this Dora doll has been in this bag for over a year, no one messes with it, moves it, nothing. It has been in the same place and it goes off now when either my husband or myself are in the garage, no one else, just us!

One day when it went off, I told my husband that I know its Lindy letting us know she is around, he smiled a small shy smile. I know he isn't sure one way or the other and he isn't too certain what to believe and not believe. Then a few weeks ago he was in the garage by himself and Dora went off, although the Doll said " I LOVE YOU". He came in the house to tell me this, he was crying a little it had touched him so much. This was the first time the doll went off with him ( I had been mentioning this to him for awhile about the doll going off when I would go in and out of the garage, but this was the first time it went off with him) and we talked laughingly for a few minutes, I said, "see I told you, she is just letting us know she is still around"!

Well, he went back outside after that and after I finished what I was doing in the house I went out to the garage where he was at. I walked in on him holding the Dora doll, he had it turned upside down and shaking it! I said "well, did it go off while you holding that doll", He said "No, it won't go off again". See I told you!

Well, since I started writing ( my long time secret passion) toys go off around here like crazy! Now we have a new one. There is a toy in my guest restroom my grand daughter probably put it there although it is covered up underneath some towels. I didn't even know this toy was in there and just this last Friday while I was working it went off. I stopped for a moment and waited but it was just that one time. And at that moment my husband called me on the phone. I started laughing and just said "Thanks Lindy", so dad's calling me, huh.

Today, it has gone off three times already this morning. Twice when, well, you know who was calling me! The third just by itself.

I know some are saying, "well, these toys are probably going off when your not around"! Yes, perhaps.
Or, some noise is making it go off...this I don't think so. I am usually here in the house by myself. See, I work at home and most of the time I just work, no radio, no other noises around me so I know this isn't the case.

We believe what we choose to believe, I believe it is my Lindy with me. As I said these "toys", well these recent toys just started to go off within the last few months that I started Lindy's Legacy. Now, there was another toy in the house, a baby toy that I had for my grand son when he was first born. It's like a rattle but has music and lights and these would go off with motion. Well that toy had been in the bottom of a toy box, in a closet for the last 4 1/2 years in another room. And that toy started going off around June of last year. I just shook it off at first. But, the battery in this thing has been out for some time, we put it up because we couldn't get it to go off anymore. Now last June it started going off by itself! Then around September or so it kept showing up in all different places around the house. My grand daughter found it one day and with her playing with it, it never went off. But I would come into my office in the mornings and that toy would be in the hallway, in the bathroom, in another room, no one else in the house but me and that TOY would go off. All of a sudden just go off! TELL ME!

But then around October or November when I met Michele (she is the one I talked about in other posts) she did a reading for me and about four others. I stayed afterwards to ask about Lindy and this is when the "beginning of my new life" opened up. She said that Lindy comes to me through Music and toys! Ha, go figure!

Say what you want, think what you want but ever since I started Lindy's Legacy the toys keep going!

I think she is with me trying to open new doors for everyone else, trying to help us all see to look at life and death in a different light. ( Ah ha, the toy in the bathroom just went off again!)
There is something more to what we've all been taught in our lives. I believe that death is just another doorway ( Not one I intend to take until it is my time!) but there is more, they are still with us we just have to be able to open that door and let them in. What are you afraid of? I wasn't afraid of her when she was with me, why would I be now? I enjoy the fact that some part of her is still with me and I finally opened the door and let her back in to my life. I LOVE IT. I no longer remorse to the point of hiding it. I mean for years and years we barely even spoke of her between my husband and myself it was always too painful. Now, Oh my gosh, even my daughter gets the early wake up call from the toy in the bathroom, she won't move it, she doesn't want to! She loves it. She tells me when it goes off and tells me Lindy was with her this morning or that morning. And my daughter wasn't even born when Lindy left us, I was 4 months pregnant with her!

But we all laugh now, we smile when we hear these toys go off by themselves. We no longer walk around all hush, hush. We talk to her all of us! Are we strange? WHO CARES!

There are so many eye opening experiences out there if you CHOOSE to look for them! If you allow yourself to take these in. Bring yourself to a different light. I can only say I'm not going back to where I came from, why? I love being here. I'm writing, I'm opening up and I'm reaching out to other women who have lost their children. I know the devastation, the endless hurt, I know it as it is burned into my body forever. But I am choosing to take a step forward, I am reaching out for the chance to live again in an awe inspiring world!

Super Nick

Today's log is in memory and dedication to a mother that has for a few months been a "friend" of mine on Cafemom.

"A friend" on these websites that alot of us are apart of in one way or another is defined as someone you really have never met, a web friend. Defining this to anyone who is reading my "blog" I know sounds mute but some of you also find very close friends also on the web.

Well, Jessie and I have been in the same group for a few months, the greiving for parents who have lost children. She herself had lost a newborn baby some time ago and we found each other. She was out there one day and so was I. We connected and have since been Cafemomf friends (so to speak). Jessie had also a little girl, a son about four almost five and pregnant with twins. And today is my day to honor her, Jessie.

Just a few weeks back she had noticed her son wasn't feeling well, he was dragging around the house, didn't want to play with the other children and pretty much just wanted to sleep. So as any other Mother would do, you wait a few days, try to take care of your baby and then when nothing is working you take them to the doctor.

Nick was then tested, and diagnosed with a cancer and immediately started chemo.

I remember crying a little when I saw her journal post. I had seen his pictures on her webiste and her daughters and the baby that is in heaven. And, well Nick is about the same age as my grandson. So, in a way, I felt her pain. I felt the mothers pain of what her child was going to have to endure and herself!

My dedication is actually for both Jessie and Super Nick (as he was dubbed), see Jessie kept everyone posted on what was going on, and he finished his chemo and went home. I remember that day I read her post, I sighed a bit of relief thanking GOD and saying my own silent prayer for them both.

Within the week Super Nick returned to his own home and bed, it seemed he caught a cold of some sorts. Jessie did what she thought was best as we all would, but that night they rushed him back to the hospital. The cold turned into more. I do not want to get into the entire story because that is something I don't want to dwell on or anyone else. But, no, Super Nick didn't make it! Jessie posted the news to us all on the April 3rd.

I've thought about them both all week, Super Nick was on my mind for weeks, without really knowing him, I LOVED HIM. Her pictures of him were showing a typical boy his age. The one she keeps her posts under is my favorite. I Love seeing him.

So, today's post even though it is tied to a sad not is in honor of SUPER NICK, GOD Love ya.

And my dedication to his mother is in the most upstanding and noblest of means. Why? Because this mom has to be courageous for the rest of her life! And she will be, she has been!

I lift my head to you "Jessie", I wish I lived close, I would be there for you, but in spite of it, this is for you.

Super Nick, you are the man, your courage will live long with me, you fought hard!

Jessie, what one mother has to endure when we lose one is enough, I give you a bow, a hug and my gratitude for being your friend. I hope I can help you further, I will be there for you. But her road starts again.



To SUPER NICK, you inspired me little man!

My Biggest Lesson

I have spent many years since the death of my son, searching for answers that could lead me to a logical reason for such a tragedy. I have found logic isn't very logical when your searching for truths that can not be found in this realm. I have learned spiritual understanding is abundant if we can train ourselves to appreciate the small details in life, building the bigger picture one moment of clarity at a time. My first lesson came hard and fast, the night before Preston passed. I like so many other mothers focused a ton of energy cleaning, cooking, and making sure my household was run smoothly beyond reproach. March 11,1992 I went through the house doing as I always did getting things ready for the next morning ironing, making sack lunches and getting out night clothes and drawing baths for my three children. I gave the kids their snack 30 minutes before bath time as usual and continued my quest to keep everything running on time. Preston eating a cherry pop-tart had gotten (like two year olds do) the filling all over my pure white comforter set. I actually cried as I scrubbed to no avail trying to clean hoping I could fix everything and once again have my perfectly controlled enviorment. I gave little thought about the fact that I was more upset about the mess than making Preston feel that he was more important than ant material item. The next afternoon I was standing over him as he lay helpless in the hospital doctors unable to assure me that he would be o.k.. It hit me like a brick wall "It's all just pop-tarts" It played over and over in my head. I broke down drowning in quilt over my selfish actions the night before. As the years passed the pop-tart lesson never left my mind and in fact, changed the way I lived my life. If you asked me back then what a rain shower meant to me I would have probably gave you a list of complaints on how the rain had slowed down my busy schedule. If you asked me now I would tell you how much I loved dancing in it ,as the cool drops wet my face and how the smell made me feel as though all the old was washed away and the Earth was fresh and new. We can't control death, nor can we schedule a perfect life, but we can enjoy this moment and choose to find the pleasure in the next and so on. Take a moment listen to the birds. feel the sun in your face, play like a child in the rain, and remember It's all just pop-tarts.

Live Well,

Michelle

How much can you handle

The question arises as to " how much can you handle". I'll bet every single person who reads this has heard at one time or another "GOD only gives you what you can handle"!

I stop here for a moment because the words are hard to come by. How much can WE handle, what really does this mean? I've questioned this my entire life. Every time something devastating has arose this has crept up somewhere and or some one has mentioned this to me. I find an emptiness in this question.

What exactly are we made of?

I remember the old saying growing up as a child, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Give me a break, please!

Put this into reality. Words are the most piercing knifes we carry with us. Words go directly to our hearts and our souls. Sticks and stones will hurt, but it is on the outside and heals quickly. Words are directed to our minds, hearts and souls. This is a place that may sometimes bruise but to heal. I sometimes find this impossible. Words, touch our hearts which is where we hold our feelings and our LOVE. Breaking this is easily accomplished, but you have to work harder to overcome this kind of bruise.

I've been dealt alot of bruises in my heart and continue bruising. It seems to be an ongoing life quest. But to break this down is to also remember what we are made of and WHO made us. Sometimes we have to endure the unheard of, the unspeakable. But remember one thing, WHO made us. Think about the other saying, that we are made in his likeness! Just hold on to that a little.

Now, I am not going to get preachy, that is not my intent here. I know religion can play a big part in our lives and give us comfort but that is not what this site is about either. I refer to GOD here and there but not because of a religious perspective. I am more spiritual these days than I am religious. I seem to hold on to that aspect more than a certain religion. But what we endure all comes down to who is holding our hands. We feel alone and isolated when we lose the parts of our body that we can never get back. But we are not alone! We have comfort around us but sometimes we choose not to see it. We take that pain as our own and we hold on to it because you feel it is all you have left!

How much can you handle?

How much are you holding intentionally?

The early stages of losing our children is devastating, completely devastating. I cannot answer the question WHY. If someone ever does to me, well I'd probably slap them! Who are they? There is not an answer to the question WHY other than we are human and we live on this earth. Everything on earth regenerates. Everything.

The first year we mourn and rightfully so. But remember there are others around us who want to help. Let them. Don't own all the pain. Stop trying to carry that weight by yourself.

For years if I ran into another mother who had or was going through the same thing I was, I might of briefly contributed a small part of my story. But then I would end it and go on my way. Why? Because I didn't want to give up my cross. I still owned that weight I was carrying on my shoulders and I felt it was all I had left and I wasn't going to give it to someone else to help me carry it.

How blind I was. Twenty-five years later I have found that we should be helping and offering to help the other person to carry their weight. I am enduring as much as I continue to hold in. I can lift that weight off my shoulders and put it down for a short time to help someone else---and then when I go back to pick up my cross, it seems a little lighter. Something happened. The cross somehow got smaller. I'm not running away anymore, or turning my back. I am facing this head on. I will repeat her name, LINDY, and from now on I will carry a smile with me when I hear that. I will talk about her in public, I won't shy away and change the subject. I will carry her light with me, in my heart, in my soul. I will now let her become a part of my soul again. Not the darkness I carry, but her light.

You can carry that weight as long as you want. But I am here to tell you, I would now rather carry her Light and my silly memories, and her silly, funny, mischievous ways in my heart. I love that! What a gift I was given. I actually had this wonderful little angel in my life to carry in my heart and soul for the rest of my life! What a gift!

How much can you handle? How much do you CHOOSE?

Comments from YOU

This is a comment left by Michelle, my friend.

Jan,Thank you so much for your kind words.I can feel your heart and soul in your writings.This is the first site of this nature that dwells on the joys of having had our little angels and living in the miracle that is.Lindy is proud I'm sure,of how her mommy has turned her pain into wisdom and has reached out to many.Thank you Jan for helping all of us look at loss in a new way.Take Care,Michelle
March 19, 2008 7:01 AM