Lindy's Legacy

Life Goes on!

2008-06-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

Review of the last 25 years:

Since the passing of Lindy and the difficulty of overcoming such a devastating void, I had to finally look behind me and see what life actually brought to me.

My daughter Melissa was born five months after Lindy died, she did not come quickly nor was it a long and painful labor, just the hospital I happened to be at seemed to be more concerned with their own lives than they were with a young 22 year old in labor. So anesthesia was not a factor in Melissa's birth! They just did not believe me when I told them I was having her and that I could feel her head! No, they just kept talking about their home lives and everyone else around them. Low and behold by the time I convinced them to check me, AH HA, Melissa was almost born!

This sweet, beautiful, strawberry blond twin to her sister was born and gave me a reason for not going to the same grave as Lindy was in.

I was quite protective over her for many, many, many years. The last "many" is still going on, only now she is 25 and thinks she doesn't need mom anymore. As I did at 25 with my own mother. She will find out later that the need is mutual!
I watched her like a hawk would watch for prey, she was never too far out of my sight, and I couldn't wait to pick up her everyday from daycare. This weighed heavily on me for years, I could not stand to have her in daycare and yet we had to survive on two incomes. When she was five I quit my full time job and started a cleaning business so I could be with her before and after school and my husband and I continued this until she was old enough to stay by herself. She was never without one of us from then on. There were times my sister would keep her during the summer and I know she hated this but as all good moms know, they are not ready to be on their own until "We say they are".

My husband and I moved from the suburbs to the country when she was nine. The small town we were in was growing but it was not small enough for us. We wanted Melissa to have the kind of life we had growing up and so the "boredom" of country life began and here we still are. Once you get there you will never go back. Melissa grew up like any other in this generation. We had our times with school, boys, etc.. but nothing extreme. She left with "a love" interest at 19 and married ( while mom and dad kept trying to talk her out of it), yet when your "in Love" only love prevails. So, five years later she is back home, divorced with the world's best grand son & grand daughter now!

I can't say we are happy about it but life isn't over with yet. The marriage might not of been what we expect at 19 but you can never say the children are not worth it. My grand son and grand daughter are truly the apple's of my eye. I adore both of them, and Melissa is hard worker. The divorce has given her some life challenges herself that only she can overcome. I try to let her do this on her own. Mom's advice at this point in her life means nothing. We all have to find our own path and now she sees this. She has had to endure quite a lot of hardships in the last 2 years but I see a new person emerging and slowly, very slowly the person I have always believed she was is peeking through the door of maturity.

What I am getting at here is that Life goes on. If I had crawled in with my Lindy which was all I wanted to do at that time, I would not be here, now.

Melissa would not of been, my grandson and granddaughter would not of been. My Legacy is continuing with these wonderful people that I helped put on this earth, not in it.

You see, Melissa was also my miracle child. I did not know this at the time, but if I was not pregnant with her at that exact time in my life, she would not of been born!

When I found out I was pregnant I was 3 months along. I found out because I was having some abdominal pain and went to my family doctor. In checking me he felt "the bump" and after examining me confirmed that I was pregnant. Although into the next day after this confirmation visit the abdominal pain just worsened and I was admitted to the hospital the next day. The first hospital I was at could not figure out what was wrong and kept asking me to abort the baby and "maybe" that would take care of the pain. They thought I was having a tubal miscarriage. My family transferred me to another hospital and within an hour I had my appendix out! Pain gone! Baby saved because I refused to abort her. Now Lindy was still with us at this time and her grand mother was caring for her while we were enduring this. But six weeks later she was gone. And many years later when we could not conceive anymore, I found out my tubes were blocked from the appendicitis. I went through the procedures at the time to open them back up but nothing seemed to work. So we decided Melissa was it and she has blessed us with two more. How can I not love where my life is now.

Life is funny, sad, complicated and exhilarating. The door of life slams shut in front of our faces so many more times than it seems to be open. But continue to reach for the knob of life. Turn the door and see what is beyond. Don't stay behind that closed door because your life is not over with yet. Your legacy will continue and right now, today you may can not see it but it is there. Life has more surprises for you, more challenges yes, but also some fantastic rewards.

My life isn't over with yet. I'm just beginning another chapter and 25 years ago I could not see that there was any sense in even looking ahead. My ole my what I would of missed!

Stupid People!

2008-05-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

The title says it all!

In helping other moms on other sites and talking to others I have came across what I call, well, Stupid People! This refers to the really absentminded words that can come out of someone's mouth without them even thinking about what they just said. Or, maybe they did and they are just that Stupid!

Let me give a word of advice to some very naive, self-absorbed, illiterate humans out there.

1. Losing a child "is not like losing your dog!"
2. Six months "is NOT enough time to get over it."

This is two of the most common sentenances that have came out of the mouths of Stupid people. * Refer to my other posts label under "stupid people". Just remember the old sayiing most moms had when we were young: if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all! This would be best. I am guessing these words come from other people who really just do not not know what to say. If you ask a "grieving mom" ( hint, they grieve a very long time) how is she, or if just in general conversation the subject of her child comes up, please, do not go into how long it took you to get over losing your dog or cat! Or make some smart ass remark of; wow, your not over that yet! What's wrong with you.

I really consider these to be from very self-absorbed people. Best word of advice, just walk away.

I've collected a few stories of other moms who have experienced the same infliction, feel free to read, comment or just shake your head in disbelief, I usually do.

I just don't understand people...this has to top anything that has ever been said to us. Last night we were out with a group of people that we have attending a program with. Anyway the subject of children came up and I lost it...long story short, this *&^%$!!! that was sitting next to my husband tried to expalin the story of Job in the bible and how he had lost 7 children, etc, etc. My husband and I just looked at each other and thought is he trying to make us feel better that we only lost one chid? We just didn't get it and we still don't. We have looked up some things regarding Job, but haven't found anything specific that would bring us any understanding as to what the hell this man's point was. Thanks for reading and I wish everyone peace and comfort, you are not alone...
Kaitlyn's Mommy
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You know, people do make really stupid comments. Happens to me a lot too... and I just have to realize that these people absolutely do NOT know what we as parents go thru.... unless they have walked in our shoes. It's the old saying "ignorance is bliss". I don't wish it on my worst enemy... it's not the kind of 'knowledge" I wish I had.As for Job, one of the messages we are to learn from Job (regardless of how many children he lost) is that he was HONEST in the way he felt toward God... and he asked many, many questions... even if he didn't get the answers he wanted... he asked. He maintained his relationship with God regardless of his circumstance. He didn't run around asking people of 'the world' for answers... he knew they did not have any (obvious by his two friends who blamed him for the tragedies of his family). He went to God, and God alone. Because guess what... people here don't have the answers. Only God does. And sometimes He reveals some of those answers to us, sometimes He doesn't. But HE is sovereign and HE is the only way to find peace... no one here can provide it."Job is an example of a man who endured patiently. From his experience we see how the Lord's plan finally ended in good, for He is full of tenderness and mercy". James 5:11
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The stupidest we've heard came from a friend my hubby had back in college. He called to give him his condolences and when found our son had been fighting mito for a while actually said "oh, so you knew he was going to die."Right now I refuse to have anything to do with one of my grandmothers. After losing my son she informed my mother that it was nothing in comparison to the loss of her husband. Personally, I believe all losses are very difficult to get over if you loved the person - it doesn't matter how their related to you or if they are just a friend. To compare losses is the most pathetic thing that I've heard people do.For us, the stupid comments after our son passed were not so bad since we'd already been hearing stupid comments through the 9 months our son was sick. We actually decided to not take them personally at this point and just compare how stupid each one was. It definitely helped us to handle the comments much better and we don't get as upset about them as we did during the time when our son was sick.
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Oh yea, did anyone else get the lovely nuns coming in and out of their room trying to get you to give your heart to the lord? I screamed at them "My child is dead and you want to talk god?" Oh how about the people who find out that you have a dead child and they try to say they understand cuz they have lost a mom, dad, brother, sister, dog or what ever. or "I had a miscaraige at 3 months. Unless you have had the PAIN of naming and putting your child in the ground it is not the same. Now before any one gets upset about the miscariage thing I am not saying that those dont rip your heart out too. I had 9 of them but it is still doesnt add up to burrying your child. I lost my child to still birth and I feel the pain of a lost child, but even I say this is easier than having one live for how ever long then pass. Maybe I am wrong, but it is how I feel
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I was told by my bfs step mom that my son was going to burn in hell for my sins 3 days after my sons funeral. Then when I got pg with our 2nd child his mother told me "I am not going to buy this baby anything until you produce a LIVE baby". And my ex never understood why I hated both of them.
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I've removed their names in respect, only you can remove the insenseativaty!

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH!

The Toys keep going off

2008-04-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

The toys keep going off around here!

OK, I know, but no one else will believe me! But we have some of my grand children's toys in and around the house. One is a Dora doll outside in our garage, stuffed in a bag on the other end of our garage. Now, our garage is about a 40x40 shop/garage, so it isn't a small garage and this Dora doll has been in this bag for over a year, no one messes with it, moves it, nothing. It has been in the same place and it goes off now when either my husband or myself are in the garage, no one else, just us!

One day when it went off, I told my husband that I know its Lindy letting us know she is around, he smiled a small shy smile. I know he isn't sure one way or the other and he isn't too certain what to believe and not believe. Then a few weeks ago he was in the garage by himself and Dora went off, although the Doll said " I LOVE YOU". He came in the house to tell me this, he was crying a little it had touched him so much. This was the first time the doll went off with him ( I had been mentioning this to him for awhile about the doll going off when I would go in and out of the garage, but this was the first time it went off with him) and we talked laughingly for a few minutes, I said, "see I told you, she is just letting us know she is still around"!

Well, he went back outside after that and after I finished what I was doing in the house I went out to the garage where he was at. I walked in on him holding the Dora doll, he had it turned upside down and shaking it! I said "well, did it go off while you holding that doll", He said "No, it won't go off again". See I told you!

Well, since I started writing ( my long time secret passion) toys go off around here like crazy! Now we have a new one. There is a toy in my guest restroom my grand daughter probably put it there although it is covered up underneath some towels. I didn't even know this toy was in there and just this last Friday while I was working it went off. I stopped for a moment and waited but it was just that one time. And at that moment my husband called me on the phone. I started laughing and just said "Thanks Lindy", so dad's calling me, huh.

Today, it has gone off three times already this morning. Twice when, well, you know who was calling me! The third just by itself.

I know some are saying, "well, these toys are probably going off when your not around"! Yes, perhaps.
Or, some noise is making it go off...this I don't think so. I am usually here in the house by myself. See, I work at home and most of the time I just work, no radio, no other noises around me so I know this isn't the case.

We believe what we choose to believe, I believe it is my Lindy with me. As I said these "toys", well these recent toys just started to go off within the last few months that I started Lindy's Legacy. Now, there was another toy in the house, a baby toy that I had for my grand son when he was first born. It's like a rattle but has music and lights and these would go off with motion. Well that toy had been in the bottom of a toy box, in a closet for the last 4 1/2 years in another room. And that toy started going off around June of last year. I just shook it off at first. But, the battery in this thing has been out for some time, we put it up because we couldn't get it to go off anymore. Now last June it started going off by itself! Then around September or so it kept showing up in all different places around the house. My grand daughter found it one day and with her playing with it, it never went off. But I would come into my office in the mornings and that toy would be in the hallway, in the bathroom, in another room, no one else in the house but me and that TOY would go off. All of a sudden just go off! TELL ME!

But then around October or November when I met Michele (she is the one I talked about in other posts) she did a reading for me and about four others. I stayed afterwards to ask about Lindy and this is when the "beginning of my new life" opened up. She said that Lindy comes to me through Music and toys! Ha, go figure!

Say what you want, think what you want but ever since I started Lindy's Legacy the toys keep going!

I think she is with me trying to open new doors for everyone else, trying to help us all see to look at life and death in a different light. ( Ah ha, the toy in the bathroom just went off again!)
There is something more to what we've all been taught in our lives. I believe that death is just another doorway ( Not one I intend to take until it is my time!) but there is more, they are still with us we just have to be able to open that door and let them in. What are you afraid of? I wasn't afraid of her when she was with me, why would I be now? I enjoy the fact that some part of her is still with me and I finally opened the door and let her back in to my life. I LOVE IT. I no longer remorse to the point of hiding it. I mean for years and years we barely even spoke of her between my husband and myself it was always too painful. Now, Oh my gosh, even my daughter gets the early wake up call from the toy in the bathroom, she won't move it, she doesn't want to! She loves it. She tells me when it goes off and tells me Lindy was with her this morning or that morning. And my daughter wasn't even born when Lindy left us, I was 4 months pregnant with her!

But we all laugh now, we smile when we hear these toys go off by themselves. We no longer walk around all hush, hush. We talk to her all of us! Are we strange? WHO CARES!

There are so many eye opening experiences out there if you CHOOSE to look for them! If you allow yourself to take these in. Bring yourself to a different light. I can only say I'm not going back to where I came from, why? I love being here. I'm writing, I'm opening up and I'm reaching out to other women who have lost their children. I know the devastation, the endless hurt, I know it as it is burned into my body forever. But I am choosing to take a step forward, I am reaching out for the chance to live again in an awe inspiring world!

Super Nick

2008-04-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Today's log is in memory and dedication to a mother that has for a few months been a "friend" of mine on Cafemom.

"A friend" on these websites that alot of us are apart of in one way or another is defined as someone you really have never met, a web friend. Defining this to anyone who is reading my "blog" I know sounds mute but some of you also find very close friends also on the web.

Well, Jessie and I have been in the same group for a few months, the greiving for parents who have lost children. She herself had lost a newborn baby some time ago and we found each other. She was out there one day and so was I. We connected and have since been Cafemomf friends (so to speak). Jessie had also a little girl, a son about four almost five and pregnant with twins. And today is my day to honor her, Jessie.

Just a few weeks back she had noticed her son wasn't feeling well, he was dragging around the house, didn't want to play with the other children and pretty much just wanted to sleep. So as any other Mother would do, you wait a few days, try to take care of your baby and then when nothing is working you take them to the doctor.

Nick was then tested, and diagnosed with a cancer and immediately started chemo.

I remember crying a little when I saw her journal post. I had seen his pictures on her webiste and her daughters and the baby that is in heaven. And, well Nick is about the same age as my grandson. So, in a way, I felt her pain. I felt the mothers pain of what her child was going to have to endure and herself!

My dedication is actually for both Jessie and Super Nick (as he was dubbed), see Jessie kept everyone posted on what was going on, and he finished his chemo and went home. I remember that day I read her post, I sighed a bit of relief thanking GOD and saying my own silent prayer for them both.

Within the week Super Nick returned to his own home and bed, it seemed he caught a cold of some sorts. Jessie did what she thought was best as we all would, but that night they rushed him back to the hospital. The cold turned into more. I do not want to get into the entire story because that is something I don't want to dwell on or anyone else. But, no, Super Nick didn't make it! Jessie posted the news to us all on the April 3rd.

I've thought about them both all week, Super Nick was on my mind for weeks, without really knowing him, I LOVED HIM. Her pictures of him were showing a typical boy his age. The one she keeps her posts under is my favorite. I Love seeing him.

So, today's post even though it is tied to a sad not is in honor of SUPER NICK, GOD Love ya.

And my dedication to his mother is in the most upstanding and noblest of means. Why? Because this mom has to be courageous for the rest of her life! And she will be, she has been!

I lift my head to you "Jessie", I wish I lived close, I would be there for you, but in spite of it, this is for you.

Super Nick, you are the man, your courage will live long with me, you fought hard!

Jessie, what one mother has to endure when we lose one is enough, I give you a bow, a hug and my gratitude for being your friend. I hope I can help you further, I will be there for you. But her road starts again.

To SUPER NICK, you inspired me little man!

My Biggest Lesson

2008-03-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have spent many years since the death of my son, searching for answers that could lead me to a logical reason for such a tragedy. I have found logic isn't very logical when your searching for truths that can not be found in this realm. I have learned spiritual understanding is abundant if we can train ourselves to appreciate the small details in life, building the bigger picture one moment of clarity at a time. My first lesson came hard and fast, the night before Preston passed. I like so many other mothers focused a ton of energy cleaning, cooking, and making sure my household was run smoothly beyond reproach. March 11,1992 I went through the house doing as I always did getting things ready for the next morning ironing, making sack lunches and getting out night clothes and drawing baths for my three children. I gave the kids their snack 30 minutes before bath time as usual and continued my quest to keep everything running on time. Preston eating a cherry pop-tart had gotten (like two year olds do) the filling all over my pure white comforter set. I actually cried as I scrubbed to no avail trying to clean hoping I could fix everything and once again have my perfectly controlled enviorment. I gave little thought about the fact that I was more upset about the mess than making Preston feel that he was more important than ant material item. The next afternoon I was standing over him as he lay helpless in the hospital doctors unable to assure me that he would be o.k.. It hit me like a brick wall "It's all just pop-tarts" It played over and over in my head. I broke down drowning in quilt over my selfish actions the night before. As the years passed the pop-tart lesson never left my mind and in fact, changed the way I lived my life. If you asked me back then what a rain shower meant to me I would have probably gave you a list of complaints on how the rain had slowed down my busy schedule. If you asked me now I would tell you how much I loved dancing in it ,as the cool drops wet my face and how the smell made me feel as though all the old was washed away and the Earth was fresh and new. We can't control death, nor can we schedule a perfect life, but we can enjoy this moment and choose to find the pleasure in the next and so on. Take a moment listen to the birds. feel the sun in your face, play like a child in the rain, and remember It's all just pop-tarts.

Live Well,

Michelle

How much can you handle

2008-03-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

The question arises as to " how much can you handle". I'll bet every single person who reads this has heard at one time or another "GOD only gives you what you can handle"!

I stop here for a moment because the words are hard to come by. How much can WE handle, what really does this mean? I've questioned this my entire life. Every time something devastating has arose this has crept up somewhere and or some one has mentioned this to me. I find an emptiness in this question.

What exactly are we made of?

I remember the old saying growing up as a child, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Give me a break, please!

Put this into reality. Words are the most piercing knifes we carry with us. Words go directly to our hearts and our souls. Sticks and stones will hurt, but it is on the outside and heals quickly. Words are directed to our minds, hearts and souls. This is a place that may sometimes bruise but to heal. I sometimes find this impossible. Words, touch our hearts which is where we hold our feelings and our LOVE. Breaking this is easily accomplished, but you have to work harder to overcome this kind of bruise.

I've been dealt alot of bruises in my heart and continue bruising. It seems to be an ongoing life quest. But to break this down is to also remember what we are made of and WHO made us. Sometimes we have to endure the unheard of, the unspeakable. But remember one thing, WHO made us. Think about the other saying, that we are made in his likeness! Just hold on to that a little.

Now, I am not going to get preachy, that is not my intent here. I know religion can play a big part in our lives and give us comfort but that is not what this site is about either. I refer to GOD here and there but not because of a religious perspective. I am more spiritual these days than I am religious. I seem to hold on to that aspect more than a certain religion. But what we endure all comes down to who is holding our hands. We feel alone and isolated when we lose the parts of our body that we can never get back. But we are not alone! We have comfort around us but sometimes we choose not to see it. We take that pain as our own and we hold on to it because you feel it is all you have left!

How much can you handle?

How much are you holding intentionally?

The early stages of losing our children is devastating, completely devastating. I cannot answer the question WHY. If someone ever does to me, well I'd probably slap them! Who are they? There is not an answer to the question WHY other than we are human and we live on this earth. Everything on earth regenerates. Everything.

The first year we mourn and rightfully so. But remember there are others around us who want to help. Let them. Don't own all the pain. Stop trying to carry that weight by yourself.

For years if I ran into another mother who had or was going through the same thing I was, I might of briefly contributed a small part of my story. But then I would end it and go on my way. Why? Because I didn't want to give up my cross. I still owned that weight I was carrying on my shoulders and I felt it was all I had left and I wasn't going to give it to someone else to help me carry it.

How blind I was. Twenty-five years later I have found that we should be helping and offering to help the other person to carry their weight. I am enduring as much as I continue to hold in. I can lift that weight off my shoulders and put it down for a short time to help someone else---and then when I go back to pick up my cross, it seems a little lighter. Something happened. The cross somehow got smaller. I'm not running away anymore, or turning my back. I am facing this head on. I will repeat her name, LINDY, and from now on I will carry a smile with me when I hear that. I will talk about her in public, I won't shy away and change the subject. I will carry her light with me, in my heart, in my soul. I will now let her become a part of my soul again. Not the darkness I carry, but her light.

You can carry that weight as long as you want. But I am here to tell you, I would now rather carry her Light and my silly memories, and her silly, funny, mischievous ways in my heart. I love that! What a gift I was given. I actually had this wonderful little angel in my life to carry in my heart and soul for the rest of my life! What a gift!

How much can you handle? How much do you CHOOSE?

Comments from YOU

2008-03-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

This is a comment left by Michelle, my friend.

Jan,Thank you so much for your kind words.I can feel your heart and soul in your writings.This is the first site of this nature that dwells on the joys of having had our little angels and living in the miracle that is.Lindy is proud I'm sure,of how her mommy has turned her pain into wisdom and has reached out to many.Thank you Jan for helping all of us look at loss in a new way.Take Care,Michelle
March 19, 2008 7:01 AM

Spiritual help

2008-03-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

I have hesitated about adding this, but it feels right and if you have read any of my posts then you should know by now that I am doing what feels right, not what I think I should do.

I have a "friend" that I mentioned in one post, her name is Michelle. She is my mentor right now in my life. I feel she is the one that started me on this journey. She herself has experienced the loss of a child, and so she knows where we are all coming from. She is also a "Reader". I first visited her last year, my sister and I went together and I had mentioned a few things to my sister "in the car" on the way to seeing Michelle. One had to do with Butterflies, one had to do with the web page I have on Cafemom.

I told my sister that I have been bombarded by butterflies lately! I could be sitting outside and sometimes they would just land on me, fly off, come back, and land on me again. Other days I could sit outside and watch 3 & 4 of them all flying around us and then they would just land in front of me, and stay there!

I was working on my web page the day we went to see Michelle and I uploaded one of my home photos of a sunset picture that I love and added "sparkles" or twinkles to it. And I loaded a music player.

Well, the night we saw Michelle at the end of our reading, I asked about Lindy (Come on, don't tell me you wouldn't), and she told me a few things that just lifted such stress off of my life that I have been carrying. Then she also said, " Lindy says", what's with all the butterflies"?

I could of came out of my seat, I do remember my sister grabbing my hand and squeezing so hard my blood stopped pumping! But, then again, I was squeezing back!

The other one that no one, not one person on this earth would of known! Only Me!
The next thing she said was that "Lindy says to also tell you that she likes the "twinkles" and the music!

Now, it took me 25 years to do this and I think, my gosh, how much time I have wasted! She is there, here, with me. They are always with us.

Fast forward, Michelle has gracefully asked to help those who have lost a child. Now, I have hesitated in putting this here, because I do not want or intend to turn this site into a bombardment of Michelle. She has also lost a child, but her journey is the same as mine. She has a gift. She has said that if anyone "might" and I post this word "might" ( be sure you want to do this), some can handle it, and I think some cannot, but if you would like to see if Michelle can be your go between to your little angel, then email me and I will email her.

I am hoping she can also start posting here, give us some insight into an area we are confused on. I'll let you know if and when this happens.

God bless you all.
my email: www.janmaupin@yahoo.com

The new me

2008-03-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

The new me starts now.

I am slowly emerging into a new person, I see sunlight ahead of me and a new beginning. I am adding and taking away bits and pieces of the old me and replacing them with some things I have always wanted to do.

In my "new life", I am finally writing. This has been a secret passion one I would of and never have told to any one person. I have held so many stories in my head, all are true and now can be put down on paper, uh internet.

What am I doing now; well I am still working full time, of course most of us have to, but my passion for helping others find a better way to deal with the grief process is immediate and immense. I feel as though my daughter stands beside everytime I post something ( and I believe she is!). She is now my rock, I take now what I feel and not what I should feel. I am letting her lead me and it is into a place of joy and enlightenment.

I also started selling SCENTSY, I only mention this here because this is not like "me", not the old me. Scentsy is a new product that was brainstormed by 2 women in Idaho and I find that I love it. It's decorative, smart and well something I really liked. I mention this because as I said this is not like the old me. Scentsy is sold as a direct sale, such as home parties, internet, and what we call "basket parties". I liked the concept of "basket party", you don't just have someone host a catalog party, they get to take the product with them for everyone to smell, touch and see. This is hands on, not just looking thru a cataloug.

I am finding that I am also pushed to do this, don't ask me why, but as I said, I am now going with what I am feeling is right and not what I should. Immense peace is what it is bringing me.

I have also found a mentor, and I'll call her Michelle. She is the one that helped me break the ice I was carrying on my shoulders. She helped me open some doors and see this new sunlight.

Now it wasn't immediate, it actually took me some time, I call myself dense in perspective.

I will find time for a new post on all of this, so watch for it, it will either blow your mind or as me, gave me a completely new look on life.

God Bless and keep smiling.

Basking in the sunlight

2008-03-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

In our years of mourning we tend to hold on to the grief, it seems that is what we feel is all we have left of the child we loved so dearly. We create memorials inside our minds, on paper, on the internet, anywhere. Sometimes you may come across a toy, book or even another child that may render a memory of your angel and you initialize a small smile on your face then erase it quickly because you immediately brought back the fact that they are no longer with you. Immense sadness creeps in, guilt and you are back into the sad world again longing for what you no longer had. "Now read on," this is only to see if you connect. I know I did for years and years.

Have you ever thought of how lucky you were?

Did you realize that you were given the gift of becoming that child's mother! You are the only one that can say that! No one else can say that they were lucky enough to BASK IN THAT CHILD'S LIGHT. Only you!

You were given the gift of being that child's biggest love. Bask in that for a minute. How wonderful, how amazing is it to know that you were chosen!

We all know that our time here on earth is just ticking. None of us know when, some of us live for many long years, some half of that, and yes some are very short and we do not understand, but choose to remember how that child brought you joy.

Start remembering the things that made you laugh and take that smile all the way across your face. Go with it, stop feeling sad at this point, they did something for you while they were here, bask in this.

Now really laugh! Think about that for a moment.
Why should we bury every single memory or memorialize it. No, I'm done with that.

I choose to relate that I was the lucky one. Lindy's life was short and I grieved for a very long time. I now remember how conniving she was, how extraordinary her little mind was, *(I'll relate some of her antics) and she could win so many hearts and friends. I remember how cute she was, how she was always looking for some one to play with. I can so go on now because I no longer choose to be in that black hole. I choose to bask in her sunlight!

What she brought to my life was wonderment and enlightenment:

* She was walking at the age of 9 months to my amazement.
* She was crawling out of her crib at the age of 12 months!
* She was climbing fences at the age of 18 months.
* She could steal a smile from you while you disciplined her!
* She made friends with everyone that came up to her.

One memory I like to tell is the day a neighborhood boy came over to play. They had every single toy dumped on her floor, a total mess. It was time for him to go home and when I walked into her room and saw the mess, I told them they needed to pick up the toys and I left to finish tending to dinner. I went back in a few minutes later and the little boy was down on the floor picking up the toys and putting them in the box, while Lindy was sitting on the bed directing him as to which one to pick up next!

I remember when she was three and kept getting into the candy. Her energy level was high to begin with, so I had decided to put the candy on top of the icebox. A good place, too high for her to get to and usually out of sight, out of mind, right! Well, not for one that was notorious for getting what she wanted. A few days went by and I thought that was that, no more candy or at least only as I gave it out. No, not my daughter. I was busy around the house one day when I walked back into the kitchen to find the bottom cabinet opened and Lindy standing on the counter top with candy in hand! The candy bucket was in her other hand.

Her father was her buddy, she had him wrapped up so tight around her little finger that you couldn't pry it off. This is a good memory, I took this as grief for some reason for many years because I wanted to be that buddy. I was her disciplinary and her teacher and her maid but I was also HER MOTHER! Me. Only me. When she woke up in the middle of the night she came and climbed onto MY side of the bed! She brought all of her boo boos to me. I was the one who knew what she liked and what she didn't like. Me, only me.

One other memory, (she must be working here with me!) it just popped in my head. She was in day care for a while and they just loved her. I remember how I would lay her clothes out every morning on her bed, wake her up, then go and fix her breakfast. There were generally some mommy and daughter early morning antics because of how stubborn she could be over what she wanted to wear and what I would have set out for her to wear, of course I always won, at least for a while I always thought I won!

We did this Monday through Friday when I went back to work. This one particular morning didn't seem out of the ordinary for me, until I picked her up from day care that afternoon and she had on a different set of clothes. Completely unmatched, they were her clothes but the shorts did not go with the top and I knew I didn't have that at the day care as an extra set of clothes. I guess her teacher saw my bewilderment at the mismatched set and confusion and Lindy certainly was not giving anything away, then her teacher came up to me and said she was their comedian every day in style. She preceeded to tell me that no sooner do I drop her off and leave that she starts to strip off the clothes (that I had layed out for her to wear mind you) and reveal an entire outfit underneath, of course of her own choice! Her teacher tells this to me while laughing because apparently this is DAILY!

Lindy at the age of three during this time, apparently learned how to get over on dear old mom and that was to put on "my clothes" over what she wanted to wear! Do you see what I mean by "conniving".

The stories are to put a smile on your face, these are just my recollections, of course there are more. What are yours? Add a comment here, let's see how many funny memories you have. This is the place of sunshine to remember the best, to bask in their glow. Let it go, bring it here! Let everyone know how lucky your were to be THAT MOM!

The grieving parent

2008-03-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

A grieving parent is someone who will never forget their child no matter how painful the memories are.

A grieving parent is someone who yearns to be with their dead child but cannot conceive leaving their living ones.

A grieving parent is someone who has only part of a heart as the rest of it is buried with their child.

A grieving parent is someone who begs for relief from the memories which plague them and then feels guilty when they get it.

A grieving parent is someone who pretends to be happy and enjoying life when they really are dying inside.

A grieving parent is someone who holds the lives of their remaining children as the most precious gift they have.

A grieving parent is someone who can cry or laugh at the drop of a hat whenever they remember their beloved child.

A grieving parent is someone who feels as if they just lost their child yesterday no matter how much time has passed.

A grieving parent is someone who fears for their remaining family because they cannot bear to have any more loss.

A grieving parent is someone who sits by their child's gravestone and feels a knife stabbing their heart.

A grieving parent is someone who wants to help others who have lost loved ones because somehow their loss is theirs all over again. ~ Judy Skapik ~

I found this in a post and was amazed and yet not surprised. Amazed, because "of how the words touch you, you understand each and every word". Not Surprised, because "of how the words touch you, you understand".

The guilt we carry

2008-02-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

Is there guilt and shame associated with not having your child with you?

I did and do and probably always will. I hid this also inside my own mind for many, many years. I stopped telling Lindy's story or "my story", because every time I did a huge boulder would start crushing my chest!

In time, only those close to us or the ones that knew of us back then were the only people that even knew we had another child. When you meet people and the usual question would come out as to how many children do you have, I eventually would just say "one". It was easier than having to go into "my story".

Why do we feel guilt and shame? The answer past this has always been with me I just chose not to grasp it. I felt it was all I had left, this would be my punishment for the rest of my life, this I would carry because I didn't live up to my GODLY responsibility. The guilt comes from being the THE MOTHER! I was responsible. I don't think it matters what the situation or circumstances were, we feel a great deal of guilt for not being there to protect them. We had a miracle in our hands and for whatever reason that miracle was taken back.

To reach past this horrible cross that we bear we have to come to a realization that LIFE happens!

This may not be the "end all" to every ones' cross, but it is part realization. Reality. Do we know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next year? NO. We cannot predict our future, we can only live for today. We can plan for tomorrow, look forward to a vacation or a change in our lives but we can't prevent anything.

When I was young, my mother told my sisters and I about her youngest sister Glenda who tragically choked on something at the age of 1 1/2. She said my grandfather held this against my grandmother for many years. She was pregnant at the time also with my uncle and when he was born my grandfather would not leave the baby with my grandmother. He would pack a bag and take my uncle with him every morning to work the fields, bring him back to nurse and leave with him again. It wasn't until my mother's second brother was born that she was "allowed" to care for them completely.

This I had a hard time with myself and after I lost Lindy I felt completely responsible and full of shame. I felt as though everyone around me blamed me. How could they not. I had a hard time even facing myself. The drama plays over and over inside of your mind, every detail, every minute and then it slowly, ever so slowly fades.

This is a huge question I had to come face to face with, and I bring my grand mother into the equation partially, maybe to help soften the blow or maybe, just maybe someone I could relate to! I do know what she felt, I don't say " I can imagine", I know......

Let's put this into a different light; a different perspective, say 25 years post perspective. In relevance, BAD PEOPLE DON'T FEEL GUILT! People (humans) that do not have a heart do not know how to care and to care about someone is to LOVE them. Why do you miss someone when they are gone on a business trip or you drop your child off to daycare and go to work, don't you still miss them knowing you are going to see them again. Because we LOVE, a child is unconditional love from the moment they are born. We are awakened into Motherhood and with this comes emotions we didn't have before. Love, we never knew could exist and once you have that kind of love it will never leave you. We as humans, caring nurturing humans, can LOVE more than any animal on earth.

To over come this is to realize that we cannot change our path in life. I believe our life's are already paved and we cannot change that. The circumstances of how we live, what we endure during our lives is still open in a sense. We still can choose what path we are going to take, but we will never know what may come along that walk. None of our lives are set in stone, no one knows the exact date and time of when we will be with GOD.

Only he does, and so we must live every day to the full capacity we can endure!

How to overcome the guilt and shame? Help someone else. Look beyond what you are holding inside, look for deliverance. I may carry this still, I suppose it is something I feel is mine and that I own. But to look outside my window and seeing someone carrying that heavy cross makes me want to run to them and help them lift it up and help them with there load.

LINDY'S LEGACY

2008-02-25T05:49:00.000-08:00

Lindy was 3 1/2 when she went to Heaven.

She had blonde hair, blue eyes and an energy level that usually left me running after her! She wasn't shy and she never met a stranger.

Her legacy is what I have gone through for all these years and to let other Moms know that you will live on, there is a legacy they leave us. It may take some years but you will find it.

Lindy lives in my heart, of course, but who she was and the kind of child she was is something I want to share. I can't predict what she would of become, I find that unfair to myself. Maybe where she is now is where she was meant to be. That may sound confusing, but I know we all have a time line here, and yes some are shorter than others. To make this sound or so you can see where I am coming from is this.

We have a very old cemetery here in this small town we live in. It was just two years ago we went to it. It isn't kept up by anyone in fact it is quite over grown with weeds and brush and we always wanted to go out to it but knew the only time would have to be in the late fall , winter months because of all the spiders and snakes and such that would be living in there. The day was December 26, I remember this so well because the first grave site we walked up to was of a man that had passed away "exactly one year to the day, 100 years ago!" This was an amazing place, this cemetery had not been used since the 1940's and was in a way, beautiful.

With me that day was my sister and her husband and a few others, as we walked from one area to another we were yelling back and forth to come over here and see this one, then come back to this other one. We were looking at history in its past. I felt like we were giving eulogy to those long since gone one more time. I kept noticing the children, the very young, a few of them had all past around the same time and I was thinking of how there must of been some kind of flu or sickness that must of taken so many at or around the same time. And what the parents put on their headstones you could read the love, you could feel it.

It wasn't so much that I was saddened but came to a conclusion that I knew I was never alone. There were and always are so many of us moms that have to give up our children. It isn't our choice, it is never the right time and it isn't fair. But we are not alone, we do have each other. This is something that will continue as long as we are always here on earth, it is all a part of being born.

I tried early on a christian support from a pastor, but this didn't really help me. I was so angry at GOD at the time I didn't believe he was their for me. As far as I was concerned he had abandoned me and took part of my life with him and was punishing me! I just learned to live with it. What I have found in all these years is that the best support is not to carry it inside you but to find other Moms who have lost their child also. Some cities have support groups, I never looked for one, but maybe I should of. But the internet is fantastic in a way that you can find almost anything. You can find internet support groups and possibly some in your area. If you don't want to get out and go to a support group ( which I would think would be a great start because you are also getting yourself out of the house!) and this is important. Hard, but important! But, find something, find someone. Talk, talk, talk. Share your story and let some one help you with your grieve. It will help.

Lindy's Legacy is that we do continue, Life does go on, TIME does heal. Let's not continue to live in the grief of not having that child any more, but lets live with the thoughts that they were with us! That we got to bask in their sunlight, we got to be their Mothers, we were the ones that were given the opportunity to Love that child. Yes, we were chosen, but you were chosen to be that one person for that one child! How special is that!

Is it OK to be angry with GOD?

2008-02-22T07:52:00.001-08:00

This title comes from 17 new posts I saw today, and this is so important!

After the initial shock and disbelief that your child is no longer with you, comes the showdown with GOD!

It seems we are given angels to raise on earth and yet when GOD takes them back much sooner than we plan we are angry. And please go ahead, get angry!

We were given a job to do, he made us mothers, we fed them, loved them, nurtured them, played with them, kissed them, hugged them. We were weary from the endless night time bottle feedings to the 2 hour naps in the daytime, we wiped their tears and mended their knees.

We bathed them, fed them, taught them and then he took them back.

It feels like a stabbing pain, deep in your chest. And you are MAD, ANGRY, this was not part of the deal when you took that baby into your arms. You were agreeing for a lifetime! Your lifetime, not the child's.

It is OK to be angry and mad and furious with GOD. He will be there waiting for you when your done! His arms are open and he is wrapping his Love around you. You can't feel it, or see it, but he is listening and he is holding you.

I actually got an answer one day, one that I have not forgotten. I don't think you ever do forget when GOD actually speaks!

I was pregnant with my second daughter at the time I lost my Lindy, so about 6 to 7 months into the pregnancy I decided to study for my G.E.D. ( If you read between the lines of "About me" you will see the part of marrying my high school sweetheart") Well, I was 16 and just out of my Junior year, so I didn't finish school. But, I needed something to do so I went to our local Library 2-3 times a week to a study program. It only consisted of myself, one other person and the "tutor". She would go over some material with us then we took pre-tests.

Anyways, the tutor and myself would talk some times, and one day she confided to me that she was also pregnant with her first child. We talked for a few minutes, since I was well pregnant at 6-7 months along. But, I also told her her of my Lindy, her response to me was:

" I don't believe in GOD, I can't believe in a GOD who would kill a child like that".

I was in shock at her comments, needless to say all this time, being only a few months into the grieving I was myself angry at GOD and asked all the questions, why? It isn't fair. It isn't right.
WHY?

But, at that moment I so believe GOD spoke for me because I immediately told her, "GOD didn't kill my child, but he took her". I know she is with him and I know she is OK. She may not be with me here but I know where she is! GOD doesn't kill! But he does have a place for us to go!

I left that day a bit in a daze, I didn't know where that came from. It wasn't me. I was still angry. We had not finished our showdown or did we?

My hatred for GOD lessened after that, I was still somewhat angry but it seemed I didn't question him so much.

Will you get over it? Yes and No.

You simply learn to live with it, my peace of mind is knowing that in some way she is still with me. Mainly, and for me, because I let her back into my life!

I closed that door, years ago and I still questioned GOD for years and years. How could you take someone I had already came to love and yet leave me pregnant with one I had not seen yet? Why not take this one? Why?

There are no answers, directly so to speak. I have come to believe that we all have our roads to travel, some are short, some are long, some are graveled and some paved.

But, they are ours. We all have but ONE LIFE here on earth. None of us know how long or short our stay is going to be. Live it for today! Look at the people around you, just how long or short is their lives? No one knows. So Live. Love that child in front of you, cherish and remember every tear they cry and every smile they give you.

The one I was pregnant with is now 25, and I now have a 5 year old grandson and a 3 year old granddaughter.

How our Legacy's continue....... mine still is!

The Others!

2008-02-22T06:19:00.000-08:00

The "others" is word that I picked up on CafeMom that seems to be used by most angel mothers that refers to; anyone else around us that has not lost a child and does not understand; OK, YOU.

Here is an example that comes from my own life.

The tiny little house we lived in back 25 years ago was situated in a typical neighborhood, on the left of us lived an elderly couple and their poodle. They were a nice enough couple but were more consumed with the pets than anything else. At the time my husband and I had an Irish Setter named Charlie. And Charlie was like any other Irish Setter, extremely hyperactive. He was more my husbands pet than he was mine, they tend to be a one person pet and Charlie and my husband were buddies! Well, my husband would feed and water Charlie about 4:30 or 5:00 every morning before he went to work, and then he would do it again when he got home in the afternoons.

One afternoon I was in the backyard with my daughter Lindy and we were playing with Charlie when my neighbors saw us and came out. They came to the fence and told me how "they have been feeding and watering our dog", and that we should not own an animal if we couldn't take care of him! Needless to say, I was shocked and somewhat speechless. I was quite the timid person back then and was taught to respect my "elders" and so I didn't know exactly how to respond other than to say that we do, he has plenty of water because he has 2 dishes, one that apparently they couldn't see and one Charlie would drink out of then carry all over the yard!

So, fast forward a little and well, the day of my daughters funeral when everyone comes by to pay their respects is the day also my neighbors walked in to pay theirs. Now you have to know that at this time you are in shock anyways, I could not tell you to this day who was there other than my family but for some reason I never forgot that my neighbors, the elderly couple came up to me, with coupons. Dog food coupons! And their comment was: We brought you these for Charlie, since you no longer have to buy food for your daughter you might be able to feed Charlie and here are some coupons to help!

I swear to you this is true!

Now 25 years later, I guess I can excuse them, OK, they probably had nothing else. And I am not insinuating that all "others" are this way, by no means. This was a little out there.

Here is my point though, and this is what I have learned in looking back even over how I might of treated someone even though I had swam the same waters.

This is actually very hard I believe for most people, but imagine and 99% of you have been around and known someone close to you that has lost someone, maybe a child and you just never know what to do. Yes, I myself have been there only because before I didn't want to bring my own pain back and so I did what most people do and kindly give your condolences and go own with the rest of your life.

Pointers I have learned:

Hug first - We need lots of them!
Condolences, of course, then HUG!

There isn't much you can say to the person who has just lost a child, it is so internal that the person that is grieving cannot feel anything and really doesn't care to hear anything from anyone. You can't help, other than by BEING THERE, just sit and listen.

That person only needs your presence, and hugs.

Right after my daughter passed away my best friend at the time would call me during the day, and sometimes I would just cry. I mean into a regular conversation and bust out crying. This is so normal. This is what that person is suppose to to, let them cry.

Later down the road my friend and I were having lunch and she brought that up, she told me that her boss and his wife lost their child some years before and he would encourage her to call me, during business hours at that! She told him she did not know what she could do, his reply to her was nothing, but be there as a friend and just listen. And she did.

The grieving process is long and drawn out, do not expect that person to be over it within a few month or years. It takes a long, long time. But Time is the key factor. They just need to wait out the ticking of Time. Just be there for them, just listen, if they break out in a balling frenzy, wrap both your arms around them and squeeze!
HUG,
HUG,
HUG....

That is it, let them talk. Don't try to hush it up because it is uncomfortable for you. This person is learning how to live with it, give them time.

About You / your stories/ your angels

2008-02-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

This section is created for other MOMS who visit and who want to leave something about their own child, or leave an inspriational thought for someone else who may be visiting.

What advice can give to someone else?

Leave your Angel's name.
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This is a wonderful idea! I personally think of the good times with my son, but then that horrible image of the day he choked leading to his death weasles its way into my head, I absolutely hate it, but maybe sharing those memories with others would be helpful :).One thing I adore about Dustin to this day is what he taught me in his short life. In just 6 years he taught me more about love, kindness and compassion than anyone and anything. He taught about the simple things in life, the ones we let slip by us so quickly in todays busy lifestyles, but he always grasped each and every wonder of the world, it amazes me that he never missed a thing!I will never ever forget his smile, and his simple and wonderfuly happy personality. It brightens my day to think now he is spreading his joy as an angel watching over his family and keeping them safe in the eyes of God.
This was a permission post from a mom on Cafemom. I LOVE IT!
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As my granddaughter was with us for such a short time. We only had 4 short months with her...Yet I still remember the twinkle in her eyes and her beautiful smile.....Wow and what a head of hair.....She is one of the most beautiful babies I ahve ever seen......I say is cuz she still lives in our hearts......
Another permission post from Cafemom..
Please keep them coming. These are such great inspirations! What a Joy it is to post a "light" in our hearts!

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A Daughter's Legacy

2008-02-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

It has taken 25 years for me to come to accept the passing of my first daughter. This is something that I have found has no time line.

For years and years it is something you just learn to live with, for me it was an imaginary door, in my own mind the only way I found to deal with the loss was to create a door in the back of my mind, it is Red and has windows on the side of it. To hide the pain and the "shame" of losing my daughter, I imagined opening this door and I pushed every feeling inside, stuffed it, put my back to it and closed the door!

The windows were my symbol that sometimes these "feelings" would leak out and I could open that door and shove more in as the years went by. In doing so, I found that this was my avenue for living day to day. You see, if you have never had this happen directly to you, you really cannot understand what we are left with. Vast emptiness that can never be fulfulled!

Just recently I found "an avenue", I found a way that I could open that door and "LOVE" what I see. I don't have to close that door any longer, I can live with it.

In doing so, I want others to know what I have found. I have recently ( a few months ago actually) found a website called "CafeMom" that has a thousands of "addictive" groups just for women. This has been an eye opening experience for me because a couple of "groups" that I have since become a part of is for women (Mothers) who has recently or in some time of their lives lost a child. I have seen posting's of the exact same "feelings" I went thru for years, yet now I have chosen to go the other route.

I opened the door in my mind and allowed my LOVE for Lindy to come out, and in doing so I have been trying to send some of my knowledge to the "new ones". This is it, this is the key (Besides TIME), because in actuallity Time is the only life we have!

In reading these posts and trying to help, I have found that Mothers are screaming out, HA, I knew that, only we scream in silence! After a certain period of time we are expected to "deal" with it. As we call "the others". Which is You.

The "others" represent all people who are mindless in thinking that losing a child is the same as losing your beloved dog or cat!

Here is news for the "others", Please I pray you never lose a child! That much I will give to you!
After a year seems to be the given mourning period, I've seen some that were expected to get over it within about 6 months. Give me a break.

This is how it works:

1. The loss.
2. The Shock.
3. The Disbelieve.
4. The Endless crying.
5. The Hatred for GOD.
6. The Questioning of Life.
7. The Dull feeling.
8. The Vast darkness.
9. The Hiding of your crying.
10. Hiding the emotions.
11. Finding a place for the pain.
12. Finding Life again.

Six months to a year, not quite, the first six were just within the first 6 months. From there on its just a matter of the person. For me, #9 lasted a very long time, as came #10. #11 took me a while but I have been thru so much pain up to that point, and I was pregnant with my second daughter at the time I lost my first, that I found a small reason to come out of the darkness a little early. It was the birth of my 2nd daughter. You see, I had something to live for again, I had something that needed me and needed my Love!

Twelve steps, maybe. I had never thought about it before. There maybe a few I left out, these are what I remember the most and what I see everyday from the "new moms".

Look for another post from me on "Advice to the Others". If you have ever been around someone that has lost a child, the first emotion you always show of course is your own disbelief. And you give your condolences, but what do you do afterwards? How do you handle the person a week later or a month or a year? You would be surprised as to what I remember coming across.

Good day, and come back!

In the beginning........

2008-02-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

In the beginning God made us mothers, to bear the children of the future. To love, to cherish, to hold and sometimes, unfortunately, to let go.

The questions are forever and ever unanswered but in time, the questions grow silent inside most of us if not all. Time is the only answer, not a cure, never is there any medication that will ever cure this pain so many, many mothers carry for the rest of their lives.

I lost my first daughter, Lindy, 25 years ago. To recant the day is always the hardest of all. It has to come from the pit of emptiness I carry with me every single day. Short and simple, she was 3 1/2 and she was hit by a car, in front of my house, chasing a kitten. The details are long and I will probably post those. But the reason for this first one is to show at least what she has brought me without even knowing it. What I have now is something I have carried for all these years, not knowing what to do with it. I hope in some invariable way other Mothers will know, and hopefully the "others" that are around us will see how to cope with the grieving Mom.

There are many resources to flip through and church's and groups. The best medicine I found was groups, especially those that are linked to your experience. Here people really do understand what you are going through, they understand and can help you get past the hard times and rejoice in the good moments as well.

I plan on having many links, so be patient. One I found that is tremendously helpful right now is on CafeMom website. CafeMom is free and signup is very easy. In the search engine under "find groups" you can link into one of main groups called "Grieving, surviving the loss of a child".
http://www.cafemom.com/group/angelchildren

This group is quite active. There are plenty of Moms here that will give you support and help answer your questions, concerns, share and listen in your grief. It is amazing what you can post through your tears! Even more amazing to find you are not alone!

This is positively the best medicine.